Feeling Disarrayed!

I don't have a dictionary to look up "disarrayed", but I think I am close enough. I feel like I am in a state of disarray, there are messes all around me, and I just sit still and peck aways at my computer. This is my therapy,I don't know if it is helping, I need to get rid of this pain and hurt. I keep it inside me and the thought of a new job sends me into an almost panic. How can I trust again, why would they not just leave me alone and let me do my job for 5 or 6 more years and then I would retire. And I would say well I have worked over thirty years and I feel as though I did a good job, now I will rest.  If my life is in disarray, should I cry or laugh; or just sit here, emotionally fried,  and complain. I want to move on, I need to move on.  Did the world stop turning when you left me, or I left you to die.......................................I miss you Mom, you were my
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